Article How to talk about money as a couple

At Money:Mindshift, we start with a simple truth: we’re probably all feeling a bit messed up when it comes to money.

That’s not a criticism. It’s just reality. Money is such a crucial ingredient for a life well lived (even though, of course, it’s not the only one). Learning how to earn, spend, and manage it in a way that makes us happy, and aligns with our values and goals takes time. And that’s completely normal. We’re still figuring it out.

The impact of upbringing on financial attitudes

Our relationship with money is shaped by our upbringing, our fears, our hopes, and the unspoken rules we absorb along the way. We all carry 'money scripts': a set of attitudes, beliefs and emotional reactions that affect our behaviour towards money. It's why we've written articles on questions like: 'Is £100k too much to spend on a wedding?' and: 'Should I spend £3.50 on a coffee or save it for my retirement?'. These types of questions exist because they might go against our inherent financial beliefs.

Money mindset is something we inherit from our families, our culture, and our experiences. These scripts often go unexamined (or maybe even unnoticed) until they collide with someone else’s. Like when we enter a serious relationship.

Navigating financial differences in relationships

When two people come together, their money mindsets interact. Sometimes harmoniously. And sometimes in ways that could spark tension. One partner might see saving as security, while the other views spending as freedom. One might associate money with love (perhaps because it was given as a reward in childhood), while the other sees it purely as a tool. These differences aren’t just about numbers – they’re about identity, trust, and control.

When you build a joint future, including a joint financial future, understanding each other’s financial mindset is essential. Without it, money could become a silent wedge in a relationship. It could begin to cause tension over everything from daily spending, to long-term goals. But when couples take the time to explore their financial backgrounds and aspirations together, they don’t just avoid conflict. They build a stronger foundation for their future.

So how do you start? On an episode of The Money:Mindshift podcast, Emma Boardwell – a psychotherapist and financial coach – suggested a structured approach. 

The dinner conversation menu: a guide to financial intimacy

Introducing: the dinner conversation menu. It’s designed to make talking about money feel less like a chore and more like an opportunity to connect over food. 

Here's how it works. Ask your dinner date the following set of questions over starters, mains and dessert:

Starters: How did money show up in your childhood?

Why it matters: Our earliest memories of money shape how we think about it today. Was money a source of stress, a tool for reward, or something rarely discussed? Did your family save meticulously or spend freely? These experiences form our 'money scripts' – the unconscious beliefs that drive our financial behaviours.

What to listen out for:

• Emotional tone: does your partner speak about money with anxiety, pride, or indifference?

• Patterns: did they grow up with scarcity or abundance? Were they encouraged to save, or was money a taboo topic?

• Unspoken rules: 'We never talked about money', or 'My parents always argued about bills' can reveal deep-seated attitudes.

Mains: Who is your financial role model, and why?

Why it matters: Role models (whether real, fictional, or even anti-role models) reveal what we aspire to be (or want to avoid) in our financial lives. This question shifts the focus from: 'What should we do?', to: 'What do we value?'

What to listen out for:

• Values over tactics: are they inspired by someone who prioritised security, generosity, or independence?

• Aspirations vs. reality: do they admire a celebrity’s lifestyle, or do they respect someone who lived frugally, but with purpose (perhaps, like a parent or relative)?

• Emotional triggers: if they mention a parent or mentor, ask why that person’s approach resonates.

Emma points out that role models can be idealistic or fictional. What matters is the 'why' behind the choice. This question helps couples align on what they really want. Not just what they think they 'should' want.

Dessert: Imagine your financial day-to-day in the future. What does it look like?

Why it matters: This is where dreams meet reality. By describing their ideal financial life, your partner reveals their priorities. Do they envision taking a sabbatical, a quiet home, or financial independence for the future? Do they want to support family, invest in experiences, or build a legacy?

What to listen out for:

• Details: where is their money held? What are they spending it on? Are they describing freedom, stability, or something else?

• Feasible vs. fantasy: are their goals realistic, or do they need breaking down into smaller steps?

• Shared vision: do your futures align, or are there gaps to bridge?

Preparing for financial conversations

Approaching this conversation requires more than just setting aside time. It requires mental and logistical preparation. Here’s how to get ready:

On the mental side:

• Check your assumptions: are you assuming your partner thinks about money the same way you do? Think again: they probably don’t.

• Embrace vulnerability: money talks can feel exposing. Acknowledge that discomfort is normal, and agree to approach the conversation with curiosity, not judgement.

• Set intentions: are you talking to understand or to convince? The goal isn’t to 'win' the discussion but to build mutual clarity.

This isn't about solving everything in one sitting. It’s about creating a safe space to explore, one step at a time.

On the logistical side:

• Set time boundaries: agree on how long you’ll talk, and stick to it. If emotions run high, take a break.

• Don't seek to problem-solve (yet): the first conversation should be about understanding, not fixing. Save the budget spreadsheets for later.

• Agree a 'time-out' option: if either of you feels overwhelmed, pause and revisit the topic another day.

• Use neutral territory: avoid discussing money when you’re tired, hungry, or stressed (for example, not over a restaurant bill).

The importance of listening and empathy in money talks

When your partner shares their money story, listen for the feelings beneath the facts. If they say: 'My dad always paid the bills late', they might be expressing fear, resentment, or determination to do things differently.

Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing. It means validating their feelings. Saying: 'That sounds really stressful', or 'I can see why that shaped how you think about saving' goes further than offering solutions.

Finding common ground in financial discussions

There’s no single right or wrong way to handle money as a couple. The point isn’t to conform to a standard, but to understand each other’s perspectives and find a path that works for both of you.

Remember: we’re all still figuring this money thing out. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s alignment. If you’re planning a future together, isn’t it better to be on the same page about how that future is funded?

So, pull up a chair, and start the conversation.