Article How advisers can help couples have better money conversations

At Money:Mindshift, we believe that financial advice isn’t just about numbers. It's about people and real lives. The best advisers don’t just crunch data. They understand the emotions, values, and life stories that shape their clients’ financial decisions.

Yet too often, financial planning happens in a vacuum: one partner (traditionally, though not always, the male) usually drives the conversation, while the other remains on the periphery.

When only one half of a couple is engaged in the financial plan, misalignment, resentment, or even financial vulnerability could creep in over time. And when one partner dies (typically, this also tends to be the male) the other inherits the wealth and doesn't have a relationship with the nominated adviser – or with money.

Progressive advisers know that a human-centric approach requires both partners to be present, heard, and understood. That’s why we advocate for a simple but transformative shift: to invite both partners to the annual review meeting, and use that time not just to update portfolios, but to facilitate a conversation that aligns their financial future with their shared values, fears, and aspirations. With their emotions. You might like our article on why advisers should support the emotional side of retirement while we're here, too.

At its core, this is about recognising that money is emotional, relational, and deeply personal. When advisers create space for both partners to explore those stories together, they don’t just build better plans. They're in touch with their clients' emotions.

Why both partners need to be in the room for an honest money talk

1. Money scripts collide in relationships

We all carry “money scripts” – these are the unconscious beliefs and behaviours shaped by our upbringing, culture, and experiences. When two people come together, those scripts interact, sometimes harmoniously and sometimes in ways that create tension.

One partner might associate money with security, while the other could see it as freedom. One might have grown up with scarcity, the other with abundance. These differences aren’t just personal quirks; they can become fault lines in a relationship if left unaddressed.

Couples often assume they’re on the same page about money until they’re suddenly not. The first time they realise they’re not aligned is usually during a crisis; like a job loss, an inheritance, or a major purchase. By then, it’s often too late to avoid conflict.

2. Detachment breeds vulnerability

When one partner is disengaged from the financial plan, they’re potentially vulnerable. If the primary decision-maker becomes incapacitated or the relationship ends, the other partner may find themselves navigating complex financial terrain without a map.

Worse, they may feel resentful or disconnected from the financial plan they had no hand in shaping.

3. Alignment creates confidence

A financial plan is only as strong as the commitment behind it. If both partners understand and buy into the strategy, they’re more likely to stick with it during market downturns, life transitions, or unexpected challenges.

Clarity could reduce anxiety. When both partners feel heard and involved, they’re more confident in their financial plan. And in you as their adviser.

The adviser’s role in setting up the conversation

The annual review meeting is the perfect opportunity to bridge this gap. But this isn’t just another portfolio check-in. It’s a chance to facilitate a structured, empathetic conversation that helps couples align their financial goals with their values.

Here’s how you could frame it:

Step 1: Set the stage

Begin by explaining why this conversation matters. You could say: "Financial planning isn’t just about investments. It’s about your life together. Today, we’re going to take some time to make sure your plan reflects both of your perspectives, not just one."

This signals that the meeting is about them as a unit, not just the singular 'financial decision-maker'.

Step 2: Use Emma Boardwell’s Dinner Conversation Menu

Emma Boardwell, a financial coach and psychotherapist, introduced the concept of the Dinner Conversation Menu on a previous episode of the Money:Mindshift Podcast. It’s originally designed for couples to discuss money over starters, mains and desserts. But it could be adapted for the adviser’s office.

Here’s how to guide the discussion with three simple questions:

Question 1: “How did money show up in your childhood?”

Our earliest money memories shape our attitudes today. Did their families save meticulously or spend freely? Was money a source of stress or comfort? These stories reveal the “why” behind their financial behaviours.

What to listen out for:

• Emotional tone: Does one partner speak about money with anxiety, pride, or avoidance?
• Contrasts: Did one grow up with a “save it for a rainy day” mentality while the other saw money as something to enjoy?
• Unspoken rules: “We never talked about money”, or: “My parents argued about bills” could help explain current dynamics.
• Adviser’s role: Ask open-ended questions like: “How do you think your upbringing influences how you handle money now?” Listen for differences, and acknowledge them without judgement.

Question 2: “Who is your financial role model, and why?”

Role models reveal values. Does one partner admire a frugal grandparent, while the other looks up to an entrepreneur who took risks? This question helps couples articulate what they really want. Not just what they think they should want.

What to listen out for:

• Values vs. tactics: Are they inspired by security, generosity, or independence?
• Aspirations: Do they want to replicate a role model’s lifestyle, or are they reacting against it?
• Potential conflicts: If one admires a high-risk investor and the other a conservative saver, that’s useful intel for their risk profile.
• Adviser’s role: Highlight common ground with questions like: “It sounds like you both value security, but you express it differently. How can we build a plan that honours both approaches?”

Question 3: “Imagine your financial day-to-day in 10 years. What does it look like?”

This question shifts the conversation from abstract goals (like “retire comfortably”) to tangible visions (like “travel three months a year” or “support our kids without sacrificing our own stability”).

What to listen out for:

• Details: Where is their money? What are they spending it on? Are they describing freedom, stability, or legacy?
• Gaps: If one envisions early retirement and the other wants to keep working, that’s a conversation worth having now.
• Adviser’s role: Connect their visions to the plan. “You’ve both mentioned travel and flexibility. Let’s look at how your current savings rate supports that.”

Guiding your clients through honest money conversations

Before the meeting, send a note to set expectations and potentially reduce any anxieties.

You could say something like: “This year, we’re trying something new: a conversation to make sure your financial plan reflects both of your goals. There’s no right or wrong, just an opportunity to align.”

During these conversations, it’s important to create psychological safety. Normalise discomfort, and acknowledge that talking about money can feel awkward – even for couples.

Remind them that the conversation can happen at their own pace, and can be paused at anytime – also watch out for power dynamics, and make sure each partner gets their time to talk. Lastly, try to avoid jargon. Frame the discussion in human terms, not financial ones.

By facilitating these conversations, you’re not just managing assets. You’re helping couples build a financial future that reflects both of their lives – in both of their best interests.